Sunday, June 14, 2009

The First Couple

Today’s topic of discussion is: Adam and Eve.

I’m sure you all know their story, but I’m here to tell you Adam and Eve’s relationship was not all peaches and cream.

Sure, before Eve ate you-know-what, the First Couple got along famously. It really was paradise. My Dad did a great job landscaping that place. Whatever else you might think about the G-Man, he was one creative guy. He placed all forms of flora and fauna in the Garden, along with an amazing array of animals.

Incredibly, all these animals got along with each other, and just to put the cherry on top, Dad made sure that none of these animals defecated. That’s right, poop was another result of The Fall.

Anyway, back to the First Couple. Like most newlyweds, Adam and Eve had their honeymoon period, frolicking around in the Garden of Eden, pure and innocent. But after Eve gave in to temptation, things were never the same between them.

You know how couples have certain ongoing “issues” between them? Well, this one was a doozy. And Adam always held it against her. Every chance he got, Adam brought up the whole “rib” thing. For example:

Eve: Adam, bubeleh, you seem a little tired tonight. Art thou ill?

Adam: Oh, I’m fine, darling. It’s just that THIS LACK OF A RIB is really bothering my kishkehs tonight.


Eve: Adam, could you hand me a log so I can smash this serpent again?

Adam: I would love to, dear, but I HAVE ONE LESS RIB THAN YOU and it’s really hurting me today. But to give you life was definitely worth it.

They had other issues, too. For example:

Eve: Honey, I feel like a little nosh. You know what I could really go for tonight?

Adam: Oh, let me guess. Another feckuckteh apple?!

Yep, Adam could be quite a nudje. Some say it’s all part of being married, but I wouldn’t know about that.


Sunday, June 7, 2009

My Father’s Day Dilemma

The topic for today is: Father’s Day.

Some of you may have had older brothers or sisters who were just so outstanding in everything they did, that people always compared you to your siblings.

You know: “Why can’t you be more like your sister?” or “Your brother would never behave like that.”

Being compared to your perfect brother or sister is bad enough, but how would you like being compared to the G-Man himself? Well, welcome to my world.

Even when someone sneezes, people respond with “God Bless You.” I don’t even rate with mucus, it seems. And don’t get me started with “God Bless America” or “In God We Trust.” When do people mention my name? When something horrendous happens, or when someone is upset. That’s when I hear an incredulous “Jeee-uss.” To me, that’s just gornisht.

He gets all the kudos and the cool slogans, and what do I get? I get to die on a cross as a sacrifice for all mankind. Hello?

Growing up with the G-Man as your Dad is no picnic, either. First of all, everyone thinks He’s always right. And if He seems to not make sense, it’s explained away that he works in mysterious ways. Try arguing with that.

He can also be a pretty vengeful and enigmatic guy, and his practical jokes can really get out of hand. You should have heard him laughing hysterically when Moses was talking to that burning bush, or when he allowed Octo-mom to have eight kids.

Finally, what exactly do you suggest I get someone like my Dad for Father’s Day? A nice kugel? A new yarmelkeh?

I’m actually leaning toward getting Him the new Ultimate 40th Anniversary Edition DVD of “Woodstock.” Dad thought that was pretty funny too.