Sunday, May 10, 2009

Whining About Wine

Today's topic of discussion is: Wine.

This is by far the most overrated beverage in the universe, and it pisses me off to think that some people drink this stuff pretending that it represents my blood.

First of all, that’s pretty morbid, don’t you think? If you’re a cannibal, then hey, let your freak flag fly, but otherwise forget about it. (And why Dad made cannibals is another topic for another day.)

Now when I was growing up, the wine we all drank was called Manischewitz. Trust me, I’d rather eat a gallon of borsht on a hot afternoon than this drek.

And speaking of hot, remember when I was in the desert and I made the water into wine? Everyone was sooo impressed. Now I don’t know about you, but when it’s 120 degrees outside, I’m not exactly jonesing for a nice Chardonnay. Hey disciples, how about some—oh I don’t know—water? Or at least an icy Dr. Pepper.

Another reason I’m not a big wine fan: Remember this little thing called “The Last Supper”? Well, every time I see or hear about wine, it reminds me of that cheery event.

Finally, wine is made by people stomping their feet on grapes. Sounds delicious, doesn’t it? Who knows where those feet have been? I still remember lepers like it was yesterday, and as far as I know, Ernest & Julio Gallo don’t have a no-leper policy.

So, in my opinion, when it comes to wine, just say “Feh!”



  1. Whoa, JC, all I can say is AMEN!! I'd offer up a prayer for you & your achievments but the 2 prayers I'm familiar with are Kiddush & Kaddish; one being for the Dearly Departed & the other for the Sabbath & unfortunately I can't recall which is which. Certainly you can continue with your miracles without my assistance. You go JC & I will continue to follow you!!

  2. I KNEW there was a reason I was an athiest. No wine? My GOD man, what's a world without wine? Wine-Yuppies, I can do without, but that's another story.

  3. Jerry K was soooooooo right. You are hilarious. Hey, are you a Jew for Jesus? Couldn't resist.

  4. Dear Jesus,

    Thank you for writing this blog. I was starting to question the existence of God, but now thanks to you, I know there is a God. I can't thank you enough. Now I know where to look for the answers to questions I've been looking for my whole life. Here they are, and I look forward to the answers (you may need help from your dad)

    1) Why doesn't Sarah Jessica Parker get the mole removed from her face?

    2) Is the color orange named after the fruit, or is the fruit named after the color?

    3) Why does Larry King have a TV show?

    4) Why is Bob short for Robert?

    5) Who is going to win this seasons American Idol?

    6) What do they call Venetian Blinds in Venice?

    7) What is in spam?

    Thank you so much, and God Bless (oh, I'm sure he does)


    Dick Cheney

  5. Jesus C. assures me that "All will be revealed in time, my children. Meanwhile, keep on rockin'."

  6. Hey Jerry,
    Very funny and clever blog spot. Jesus couldn't have said it any better . . . .